they say life goes right before your eyes
ten years gone in what seemed like seven days
and yet sometimes i sit off to the side
watch the world zoom past
and swear that my life is on stand-by

kids trying to be grown up
and grown ups trying to be kids
a life so defined by lack of definition
so much meaning with ambiguous inspiration

songs and movies of those who seek
the perfect partner...
their perfect partner
everlasting

but really isn't all we seek
just our own inspiration?

fireflies in the night
frozen teardrops in your eye
moments of doubts
of hesitations
those red stop lights
still slowing your life

laughter without meaning
love without feeling
life without seeing

agony break through
let pain run free
course through your existance
in harmony

no escape from shadows of your being
yet absolute solace in embrace

a delicate reflection
of glory and beauty
catch

swaying blades of grass
caught freeze frame
a moment of jubilation
a tasting of sincerity
serenity everlasting

felt it would be appropriate to repost this entry from way back when. =)

shit, were the walls closing in on him? his eyes darted side to side like those freaking tiny field mice in the middle of the night.

what the....

he strained his eyes, and even rolled backwards in his chair to verify it wasnt his sense of perception screwing with him.

he started from the ceiling and followed the straight lines down to the floor.

shit.

they really were closing in...his cubicle had actually developed some form of a personality...albeit man-eating, but a personality nonetheless.

he laughed out loud as the cheap fabric covering of the cardboard walls proved that "yes! your cubicle CAN be smaller!"

the red swingline stapler on his desk was the only line of defense and thus he used it liberally to pierce his corporate enemy but to no avail.


it wasnt even casual friday, he had worn his best tie
and his cubicle ate him alive...


crap, and he had dishes to wash at home.


dedicated to those who still feel like a college kid at heart, but are stuck in corporate america and are wondering everyday wtf happened to the days of sleeping in and impulsive drunken nights. dedicated to those who sit in traffic and inhale smog. dedicated to those who love office space and swear that work is just like the movie! dedicated to those who dont really give a shit if it's travis from accountings bday, or that its alissas last day cuz you never talked to her before...but are forced to eat cake or go out for drinks. dedicated to those whos heart skips a beat while talking on AIM at work because you swear the boss just walked by. dedicated to those who always figured they would be rich because when they were little everybody said they were really smart, but are now stuck in a job making spreadsheets and ordering the cake for travis from accounting's bday. dedicated to my entire generation; all the people i played in the sandbox with, all the people i loved and hated, all the people i remember and have forgotten, because it is now our turn to face the world which we always heard of and scoffed at. screw you corporate america. youre not eating me alive motherfucker

prepare to be owned. this story was sent to me by a friend who stole it from a guys xanga site. like i said...prepare to be owned, you've been warned.

thestory

i always knew i was going to marry her.

the proposal actually goes way back to more than 5 years ago. there was a period of time when i thought i had lost her. and i had gone back home to california, left with only my thoughts and perceived misery. there's this spot i always go to, just to be alone, do my QTs, or just to think. it's this barren cliff near my house that overlooks all of the san fernando valley. usually it's riddled with stones, dirt, and an occasional piece of trash (which i usually try to clear out.) but on this day, the day i thought i lost her, there was something else on the cliff. a single flower. this little yellow flower sprouting in the middle of what's basically a mound of dirt. it was a sign of hope, also a remembrance, that i lost her. so i just grabbed it...plucked it from the ground that it was born in, and took it home. i pressed the flower in an old dictionary and stashed it away. it was at that point i accepted that i may never be with her....and i decided to move on.

fast forward 3 years, both of us had our own paths. granted we were in the same school but our friendship was merely a hello and goodbye with underlying awkwardness from the past. we dated other people and grew during that time as well. but in the end, we were single...two pieces of the puzzle, not knowing that we fit.

the empire state building, a malaysian restaurant, a movie, and some hershey's kisses paved the way. and then it was January 22nd, 2001. the timing was perfect...we started to date. and on that day, i took out what was once lost...the single flower that was pressed in my red dictionary. i placed it in a wooden frame and gave it to her as a symbol that i got her back. that i didn't lose her afterall, that instead, i had her all along.

i always knew i was going to marry her.

so we dated and dated. and every single minute was amazing. from the trials and tribulation to the joys and laughters...every moment was important. at a certain point we were getting anxious. was marriage in the horizon? when can we start spending the rest of our lives together? and then me being a guy, i worried about the financial stability, the approval of parents, the commitment.

i have to admit, there were times when things were rocky, there were times we even doubted that God knew what he was doing. but all we knew is that we wanted to be with each other.

before we knew it, it was January 21, 2006. the day before what is to be our 5 year anniversary. i had spent 2 weeks working on a scrapbook looking back at 5 years of our relationship. now, you gotta understand, it's been years since i did anything arts and craftyish so me with a gluestick and scissors ain't a pretty sight. but i finally finished it the night before...it had dozens of movie tickets i had saved over the 5 years. every ticket to musicals we've been to. notes we passed to each other, pictures of us on various trips we took together, two pages dedicated to our dogs who are a big part of our lives. and as i sat there showing her the scrapbook i asked her to add little things in them.

i always knew i was going to marry her.

she pulled out old notes, drawings that i drew for her long ago. she helped glue in a musical ticket. we laughed at all the stuff we did. read some of the silly notes we passed to each other in class. and kept contributing to the scrapbook..until the last page.

the last page were two empty pages with just grass on it. "what should we put in here?" i asked. she looked around her room and pondered. then she thought of the framed flower. she resisted at first because she was afraid that the flower would break, but she eventually got up...grabbed the frame and sat down on her bed. she began to peel away the pegs that kept the back of the frame closed.

and as she opened it, she noticed a message written in ink on the inside of the frame.

"if you're reading this then we've made it this far...and i know we would. without much further ado, will you marry me? - please say yes!"

and underneath that, a date was inscribed....January 22nd, 2001.

i always knew i was going to marry her.

and she said yes.




on the very last page of the scrap book it reads:

"To God, who made all things possible."

a silhouette of seduction
lounging and espousing
with subtle droplets of crimson obsession

a union of indecent proposals
taunting and caressing
with subtle touches of irridescent satisfaction

a lavish indulgence
to shadow my emotions
to soothe my sentiments
to satiate my cravings
of you.

she haunts my dreams like endless waves crashing upon the sand
a violent mixture of discordant harmony

whirlwind of frosty winter air whipping against my cheeks
shielded only by a neverending optimistic passion for true love
a
belief
of
a
better

lifetime.

the crimson vigilante was no stranger to the scene. when the nights were cold and the city lights lit up single file he would lean back into the shadows unobserved to the naked eye.

he wasn't paid by the city, his countless achievements were never published by the local paper, but recognition never mattered.

weary of the streams of tears...the agony of heartbreak...and the fear of solitude...the crimson vigilante took it upon himself to shoulder the burdens of millions.

drifting through the night, he would whisper words of hope and serenity to those cowered over in desperation.

yeah i know it sucks. give me a break, i haven't written in a long time. just a practice entry. enjoy.

reading entries from the past is haunting and romantic in a way. just like walking through the mildew smelling library of an antiquated mansion and stumbling onto a diary.

...are any of you faithful readers still out there?

this shit is hilarious. courtesy of gizzoogle. (if you don't know this is a translation of my post from 9/28 enjoy!)

in many aspects this blizzog is like an old best friend, tha kind of nigga that you neva seem ta hizzy very mizzle time fo` nowadays as you rush ta find yo shawty cubbyhole (rememba those in kindergizzles in this so-called-game-of-life thats off tha hook yo.

but every now n thiznen when you fizzy sentimizzle introspizzle or even just shizzit out of luck you call upon thizzat bizzy n its like you killa left...throw on some elliot smith n you have yo own fuckin emo-indie movie straight trippin' jakes gyllenhaal (niznext time you want yo life ta fizzle fuckin dramatic listen ta elliot smith, trust me) n' shit.

so what gives? fo` tha mizzost pizzay i've been completely out of tha loop since graduation, n some would argue even prior ta graduation from tha streets of tha L-B-C.

wizzle needless ta say many th'n hizzle changed since...since whiznen? since elementary school? since college? hell, since yesterday?

i guess ultimately thats whiznat it comes dizzay to...its this uncertainty of life and yo momma. its this uncertainty of not know'n whetha you wizzay brotha or fail keep'n it real yo. this uncertainty of gangsta you is heezeeed down yo destined pizzay or have bizzle distracted by false hopes n aspirations.

i once read tizzy this tizzle in our lives is tha M-to-tha-izzost stressful n infuriat'n. can you imagine?

you're shitfaced, piss'n in tha corna of tha hizouse fo` four years n N-to-tha-izzext thing you knizzow tizzle hand you a piece of pusha n expect you ta do sum-m sum-m wit it now pass the glock Anotha dogg house production..

you're carefree, stumbl'n along tha halls look'n fo` a not-so-chatty hookup fo` four years, n niznext thing you know its time ta git married n start that family you once imagined would happen soona or gangsta fo yo bitch ass.

so where do we all fit in? i'm not a boi not yet a man? i'm not a gizzle not yet a woman? i'm not a gizzle not yet a man? i'm not a boi not yet a woman?

where is we supposed ta fit in? is we expected ta takes tha best job shot calla out of college n hope that in a couple of years our pizzle of life is betta lit wit some flares set out fo` us by those mizzle experienced?

is we expected ta fuckin grope around in tha dizzy hop'n ta jizzle feel...sum-m Sum-m....anything?

at tha end of schoo` i mizzle a decision ta go fo` tha gold now n not brotha. it was tha realizzles that no hustla wizzle job i took i would pimp truly be satisfied wit whizzay i did n who i was...it was a realizzles T-H-to-tha-izzat i didn't wizzle ta wizzy fo` three years only ta realize in a moment of killa fuckin panic thizzat this is not ME as i approach mah thirties. thats right...thirties, you ever think bout thizzay?

so now here i am...at MY desk...the rebel that i am, blunt-rollin' ta be a shawty worka drone gather'n honey fo` all tha otha fucka in mah hizzle.

tha reason i have bizzy out of touch is coz i have been chillin' out ta understand who i am to increase tha peace. whizzat mah identity truly is. n what mah purpose in this world could possibly be.

i D-to-tha-izzont wish ta act like sum-m sum-m tizzle im not. i have no fuckin clue what is going on rizzay now. i have no idea where i am n where im go'n n shit.

but i guess its only in tizzle sort of honesty that you eventually find trizzay.

that article i read `bout this tizzy of our lives being miserable...also said thizzat you really git into yo groove poser ta yo thirties...when you finally stizzart understand'n tha frontin' around you...it comes wit age n experience jizzle like mizzle good th'n in life.

...and i guess thats mah solace.

so i sit here, n soak up frontin' that i see, hear, n fizzle from tha streets of tha L-B-C. soak it all up n drug deala try ta fizzay too hard coz it'll come wit tizzy fo' sho'.

out of touch not just wit you...but wit myself.
n fo` T-H-to-tha-izzat i apologize.

2011.

just a little promotion....everybody DL firefox, its clearly a superior browser to IE and is much more secure for your system.

trust me, its like high quality indie rock compared to mainstream nicklestank, or muddy puddle, or whatever crappy alternative band is being rotated on kroq in between the same offspring songs and some bullshit from good charlotte.

in many aspects this blog is like an old best friend, the kind of friend that you never seem to have very much time for nowadays as you rush to find your little cubbyhole (remember those in kindergarten?) in this so-called-game-of-life.

but every now and then when you feel sentimental, introspective, or even just shit out of luck you call upon that blog and its like you never left...throw on some elliot smith and you have your own fuckin emo-indie movie starring jake gyllenhaal (next time you want your life to feel fuckin dramatic listen to elliot smith, trust me).

so what gives? for the most part i've been completely out of the loop since graduation, and some would argue even prior to graduation.

well needless to say many things have changed since...since when? since elementary school? since college? hell, since yesterday?

i guess ultimately thats what it comes down to...its this uncertainty of life. its this uncertainty of not knowing whether you will prosper or fail. this uncertainty of whether you are headed down your destined path or have been distracted by false hopes and aspirations.

i once read that this time in our lives is the most stressful and infuriating. can you imagine?

you're shitfaced, pissing in the corner of the house for four years and next thing you know they hand you a piece of paper and expect you to do something with it.

you're carefree, stumbling along the halls looking for a not-so-chatty hookup for four years, and next thing you know its time to get married and start that family you once imagined would happen sooner or later.

so where do we all fit in? i'm not a boy not yet a man? i'm not a girl not yet a woman? i'm not a girl not yet a man? i'm not a boy not yet a woman?

where are we supposed to fit in? are we expected to take the best job offer out of college and hope that in a couple of years our path of life is better lit with some flares set out for us by those more experienced?

are we expected to fuckin grope around in the dark hoping to just feel...something....anything?

at the end of school i made a decision to go for the gold now and not later. it was the realization that no matter what job i took i would never truly be satisfied with what i did and who i was...it was a realization that i didn't want to work for three years only to realize in a moment of utter fuckin panic that this is not ME as i approach my thirties. thats right...thirties, you ever think bout that?

so now here i am...at MY desk...the rebel that i am, refusing to be a little worker drone gathering honey for all the other fuckers in my hive.

the reason i have been out of touch is because i have been reaching out to understand who i am. what my identity truly is. and what my purpose in this world could possibly be.

i dont wish to act like something that im not. i have no fuckin clue what is going on right now. i have no idea where i am and where im going.

but i guess its only in that sort of honesty that you eventually find truth.

that article i read about this time of our lives being miserable...also said that you really get into your groove closer to your thirties...when you finally start understanding the things around you...it comes with age and experience just like most good things in life.

...and i guess thats my solace.

so i sit here, and soak up everything that i see, hear, and feel. soak it all up and never try to fight too hard because it'll come with time.

out of touch not just with you...but with myself.
and for that i apologize.

2011.

to be honest, i still am not entirely sure what to write. i wish i could write something deep and moving to do the whole situation enough justice...

it was only a couple of months ago that i was at the mountain bar in chinatown where i started talking with the guy who happened to be sitting next to my left and found myself deeply engrossed in a great conversation with him.

meeting max made me proud to be a trojan because in high school i envisioned eventually meeting individuals just like him once i got to college. he was intelligent, determined, friendly, and most importantly respectable.

another time i ran into him after the howard schultz banquet as i was walking back to my car. although i stopped only to say hi i ended up spending the next hour or so discussing business opportunities in china with him. you see thats what was so great about him, you always ended up wanting to talk to him even more. never was there a moment that i would nod my head to feign interest as i stared off into space. he could discuss ideas and that is a sign of a quality person.

you see, thats how i remember him. max was the guy who loved language and culture. he loved to go out, party, and meet new people. i just cant understand how something like this could possibly happen to him. i wonder how he must have felt, what he must have been thinking at that last moment. how surreal and disgusting of a world we live in where something this tragic could happen to somebody so distinguished. i guess thats what makes it a tragedy.

there is a memorial that has been set up for him this saturday (april 10th) at 10:30am in the fishbowl chapel. the fishbowl chapel is in the university religious life center which is right next to the health center.

i just have such a difficult time comprehending how this could possibly have happened to him.
i wish you had the opportunity to have met him and you would know just what i am trying to express right now.

such an engaging character...an affable personality...murdered?
i wish i knew who it was. the fucking thief who stole something so valuable right from underneath our very own noses.
i wish i could stare into his eyes and humanity to see the foulness that devours him from within.

but enough of that, this entry is for max.

max, bro may you rest in peace for eternity. i'm sorry that we never got to go out as much as we said we would. i never imagined that something like this would ever happen to you. i hope that you're up there with all the good people of the world...learning their languages...fulfilling your passion in a much better place. you will be mourned and missed by all of us who were fortunate enough to be graced by your good nature.

for now we'll say good bye
but we know its not for the last time


rest in peace max.
i'll miss you bro.

i noticed her on my trip to helsinki.
she sat across from me on my train as we rode through the countryside.
everything about her seemed to lure me into an unexplainable trance.
she had the eyes of a predator; deep, dark, an emerald green the ultimate
compliment to her seductive gothic black hair.

her lips glimmered as they basked in rays of sunlight that penetrated through the thick forest of trees on
the side of the roads.

i watched her porcelain perfect hands, as her slender fingers carressed the edges of an old manuscript
held in her lap.

for an hour i became lost in everything that she encompassed.
taking breaks only to sip scotch,
obsessed with wondering what making love to her would do to me.

hey you know that you remember smells better than any other sense right?

yeah i think i heard that before, why?

cuz dude...i was walking back from class today, and i swear i smelled like four girls that i hooked up with at parties before

man youre a friggin slut

no, but listen....i'm not sure if it was them or not...but the smell it started bringing back all sorts of memories you know? totally gnarly type of feeling man.

whats your point?

well it got me thinking...if i'm getting back memories from just random hookups...then what is it like for people who smell more important things...you know, like serious boyfriends and girlfriends. the type of scent that you smell when you're in bed with them late at night, right after they got out of the shower...or just cleaned up right before getting into bed...what is it like five years down the line when out of nowhere you get a faint whiff of that and all those memories come at you lightening quick?

yeah, that's got to be pretty rough....you really thought of all that?

well yeah dude....cuz check it, if i can pick the right scent to wear then i figure i can get almost any chick i want.

.......

think about it....some girl is walking down the street and then BAM out of nowhere she gets hit by the smell of her first love...next thing you know she decides that she's lonely and needs some "comforting"....thats where i come in, fragrance and all.

man, youre a friggin slut


disclaimer: this is not an actual conversation, i promise. if you havent noticed i rarely feature any form of dialogue in any of my writing. it limits me severly, so i will be attempting to create interesting conversations that just might really occur somewhere in the world. please give me your feedback at any time.

there was something calming about the morning air.
crisp and fresh, the beginnings of a new day
a new existance
a new...
self.

undeniably there were just so many things that could never be understood or explained.
the whats the hows and most importantly the whys
what the hell was it that was happening?
how could it ever.....

and why?


it was painful to be outdoors
the cold slicing against his skin

he thought back, nine years ago he had been in a similar situation
god...nine years
an eternity

hell, another month or two would have been more appropriate
a ten year anniversary of sorts


he tried to focus on how beautiful of a day it was
trying to ignore the bitter taste
left in his heart...


he liked standing in the freezing cold
it reminded him how it felt to be alive







...he hated meeting people like her
it reminded him how it felt to be in love;


unrequited
12.19.2003

anthem of agony

set my heart on fire
im so dark inside
empty bottles
of wasted desire
you were to be mine;
if only for tonight

never knew i could
be so numb
yet feel piercing pain
they say always dream
and yet
keep dreaming once again

run through alleyways
to find you or
leave you
doesn't matter anyway

they say always dream
and yet
keep dreaming once again

have you had that dream
of falling off a cliff
did you ever hit the ground?

have you had that dream
of falling in love
did we ever hit the ground?

no longer here when i sleep
but always in my sleep
set my heart on fire
im so dead inside

12/9/03

You are the Consummate Hipster. Newbies bow to
you, everyone else just stares, as you swagger
down the street with "Little Green
Bag" stuck in your head.


What Kind of Hipster Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

it smelled like mold. in front of me was an old wooden door most likely the remnants of a viking clan's dining table "recycled," put to good use. i stepped inside and brought in a cold gust that gave the candles a scare as they shook and wavered. the establishment was dimly lit and aptly furnished with decadent adornments.

and then my eyes fixated.

it happened like an analysis of a painting. the things they teach you in art class....lines, objects on the outside...slowly guiding your focus onto the main subject in the center.

all things in the room pointed to her
every flame of every candle begged to be set free as they pulled and tugged to be closer to her.
she was amazing.

she sat in a booth by herself, slender fingers caressing a glass of deep red wine. i found myself entrenched in her beauty. my eyes hooked, i drew closer to her.

i stood in front of her table, and sat down.

staring into her eyes desperate to see her soul and humanity.

left speechless by her unparalleled beauty, i grasped for words by instinct, not thought.

"i love you"

she smiled; the sort of smile that would impress even the mona lisa...an enigma: mysterious and exciting.

"i love you too my dear; happy anniversary"

my wife.
my love.
forever.

untitled number one

your presumption is overwhelming
your self love and my self loathe
starry nights not withstanding
of wretched lies,
half-hearted calls
and icey goodbyes

more comfort in empty rooms
rather that then the sight of you
shooting poisoned darts
through my eyes

maybe if you had given more
i'd have things to throw away
instead you gave nothing
the same nothing
i have today

more comfort
in the darkness that beckons
of unknown,
petty lies

you seek more attention
yet still lack an alibi

dont wake me on the way out
such is our last goodbye

11/18/2003

don't say go [unless you want to]

so tell me what you're thinking
or better yet
let me read it in your eyes
my imagination tells me things
and ruins our surprise

green lights
and smoking breaks
all in disregard
of boundaries set
by other hearts
in our story so far

what is your motivation
were you here yesterday
i called your name in frustration
or is this the game you play

yellow lights
and shallow lakes
all in disregard
of boundaries set
by cautious hearts
in our story so far

i apologize
i fell in love
with another girl
the girl i thought you were
instead fell through a hole
the hole that you are

red lights
and photographs
all in disregard
of boundaries set
to break my heart
in our story torn apart

11/17/2003