in many aspects this blog is like an old best friend, the kind of friend that you never seem to have very much time for nowadays as you rush to find your little cubbyhole (remember those in kindergarten?) in this so-called-game-of-life.

but every now and then when you feel sentimental, introspective, or even just shit out of luck you call upon that blog and its like you never left...throw on some elliot smith and you have your own fuckin emo-indie movie starring jake gyllenhaal (next time you want your life to feel fuckin dramatic listen to elliot smith, trust me).

so what gives? for the most part i've been completely out of the loop since graduation, and some would argue even prior to graduation.

well needless to say many things have changed since...since when? since elementary school? since college? hell, since yesterday?

i guess ultimately thats what it comes down to...its this uncertainty of life. its this uncertainty of not knowing whether you will prosper or fail. this uncertainty of whether you are headed down your destined path or have been distracted by false hopes and aspirations.

i once read that this time in our lives is the most stressful and infuriating. can you imagine?

you're shitfaced, pissing in the corner of the house for four years and next thing you know they hand you a piece of paper and expect you to do something with it.

you're carefree, stumbling along the halls looking for a not-so-chatty hookup for four years, and next thing you know its time to get married and start that family you once imagined would happen sooner or later.

so where do we all fit in? i'm not a boy not yet a man? i'm not a girl not yet a woman? i'm not a girl not yet a man? i'm not a boy not yet a woman?

where are we supposed to fit in? are we expected to take the best job offer out of college and hope that in a couple of years our path of life is better lit with some flares set out for us by those more experienced?

are we expected to fuckin grope around in the dark hoping to just feel...something....anything?

at the end of school i made a decision to go for the gold now and not later. it was the realization that no matter what job i took i would never truly be satisfied with what i did and who i was...it was a realization that i didn't want to work for three years only to realize in a moment of utter fuckin panic that this is not ME as i approach my thirties. thats right...thirties, you ever think bout that?

so now here i am...at MY desk...the rebel that i am, refusing to be a little worker drone gathering honey for all the other fuckers in my hive.

the reason i have been out of touch is because i have been reaching out to understand who i am. what my identity truly is. and what my purpose in this world could possibly be.

i dont wish to act like something that im not. i have no fuckin clue what is going on right now. i have no idea where i am and where im going.

but i guess its only in that sort of honesty that you eventually find truth.

that article i read about this time of our lives being miserable...also said that you really get into your groove closer to your thirties...when you finally start understanding the things around you...it comes with age and experience just like most good things in life.

...and i guess thats my solace.

so i sit here, and soak up everything that i see, hear, and feel. soak it all up and never try to fight too hard because it'll come with time.

out of touch not just with you...but with myself.
and for that i apologize.

2011.